you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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