my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You're like the curious george of whores
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
