Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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