Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Watching her eat just hurts me
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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