i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
