I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize