i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
