if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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