Don't make out with my wife yet
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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