After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
