My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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