I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
