dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
