Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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