if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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