I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
