I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
