Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize