Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
