Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize