epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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