We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So squirting runs in the family.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
