I hate your face
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
