she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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