Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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