Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
