You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
