remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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