He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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