guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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