I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
