my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize