I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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