low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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