He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
