Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
