The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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