I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
