I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
