Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
