five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
