i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
