Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
