kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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