I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
