I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
