i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I can feel your judgement through the phone
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We smell like vodka and hangover
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