Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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