did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize