I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Randomize
