I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
