Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
