This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
