Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
