I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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