did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
