I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
