He uses pillows to masturbate.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize