I cannot find my penis.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
