im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
