I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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