im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
