honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
