if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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