Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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